Spring is springing and with it comes a flood of endorphins as I remember one of the most blissful times of my life. The days leading up to my wedding. Days when all the possibilities of love and its impact on the future seemed limitless.
I love Spring. It was the perfect season in which to celebrate this event that I had long before decided was not going to happen for me. And then it did, and, oh, it transformed my life.
For the past two years, four months and nine days I have done my level best not to work through my grief in public. I miss my Darling Husband every day, every minute, but I haven’t felt that my experience was what I wanted to write about often or even share.
A lot of people more eloquent than I write blogs that deal with their own and the more universal aspects of grief that a wider readership can relate to. They manage to be personal, but at the same time connect with the vastness of this most human struggle. I admire them, but can’t be one of them. Everyone’s experience is different, but there are many common elements – I’ve just been too consumed to look for them and have lacked the motivation to capture them and present them for public consumption.
People tell you, sincerely, when you lose a loved one that they hope the happy memories will sustain you through the sad times. You know what’s odd? They do in some ways, and in other ways they heighten the sadness and loneliness. Maybe that’s because you know that those happy times are gone forever, never to be repeated. That the person who made those happy memories with you is lost and that the future you face alone seems like an endless void.
See? This pitifulness is what I have tried to spare our blog’s readers from. I’ll stop.
Happy memories abound for me this week. Twenty-two years ago, we were looking forward to our wedding on Saturday, April 2. This time of year is glorious in north Texas – mild weather, everything is blooming. The sun shone all that week as we cruised into the weekend. All the planning was done. All that remained was to experience it and soak it all in. Family and friends gathered for days of parties and reuniting with loved ones they hadn’t seen in years. I drifted through the days and nights like I was in a lovely haze, alone with my joy. Enjoying watching all around me celebrating.
This was my first and last wedding. I had some nerves, but they were happy ones, excited ones. My Darling Husband, so very handsome, was the picture of calm coolness, smiling that fabulous smile nonstop.